Your Best Non-Swearing Insult

Your mama should have spit you out on the carpet

 

I think I knew your mom 20 years ago. What's her name again? Smirk, nope not me

 

I like you, can we be friends?

 

I have good friends and bad friends but your not one of them.

 

Probably been used before,
You had to of voted for Joe Biden?
You sent money to the Democratic committee didn't you?

 

It looks like your face caught on fire and someone put it out with a rake!

 

There is a comeback that you might not like!

 

When someone is going off on me - and it has been quite some time at that...

I just pin them with the "Perry Mason Stare" until they wind down. Then I ask, "Are you done?"

Then, I just walk away. Some folks are not worth wasting the time to reply to......

 

I've worked residential construction for about 40 yrs ,,, whan framing a house ,, theres just a few tools that are essential to have in your tool bag to do the job ,,,, I end up telling some of these folks ,, " I pay you to carry the tools I might need for the job ,, let me know when you've got all your tools , and I'll bump you back up to full pay ". I get some funny looks when I say that ,,, ,,, but it sure seems to make them carry them tools ,,,

 

You’re as useful as a football bat.

 

You should have been a BJ!

 

Please put the tools down and just go sweep until I come get you.

 

The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.

 

Am not sure whether you were referring to an Appalacian incest wedding or an Appalacian insect wedding....spelling is important.

 

go outside and play Hide and go Fuck yourself!
Oh, not supposed to swear, oh well.

 

Well it doesn’t involve swearwords but there is a story and theme song for it. I had a rich man once tell me I was a gold digger (don’t know why he thought that since I never asked him for money or physical goods nor did he ever pay/gift me stuff). I’ve decided he will forever be known as:

“Mr. Jingles”- since he can shove all his change up his rear end where the sun don’t shine.

“Every step he takes, every move he makes, he’ll be jinglin’~”(sung to Every Breath You Take - Police)

loads of insults can be sprung from just the name
‘I don’t want your stinkin’ money Mr. Jingles’
‘I am glad you can CONFIDENTLY say it doesn’t work like that- how much change did you try before?’
‘Oh you don’t think it will all fit? Oh it will fit- specially considering how big of an… you are’

 

soooo you guys had the same last name before you got married.