Where did they go?

TMH,
I know you want to drop the subject and get on with life.

With anger I can speak first hand.

I'm a Vietnam vet with the remnants of a very bad attitude. Anger almost destroyed me. I don't like sharing this on a public forum either. There are a few forums I know of especially for the subject.

I respect you a great deal for you having said what you have here. Talking it out even on a forum is a useful way to get some relief. It's like we have something inside, (I refer to it as the monster in my head), that once we talk it out we equip ourselves to better handle the anger the next time it rages out. I've been to anger management sessions at the VA and taken medication to help control the release of adrenaline that occurs just before the monster make its appearance. The work of getting over the past is all our own to handle. There is help out there but the end of it is up to us to choose to change. Put simply, "ya gotta own it." Excepting full responsibility for it is up to us. I use the plural (us etc.) because no matter how alone we feel in this, we are not alone. Others share very similar issues.

Hope in some small way, that helps. Actually I think it takes a very strong person, especially a man, to acknowledge what you've shared on this forum. Woman also have similar issues, but they seem to be more likely to seek help or talk it out with other women then men do. Men think, "I gotta be strong and suck it up." There, in my mind is the worst thing I ever did, "stinkin' thinkin'!!!" What I call it, because the anger just continues to grow until it has to be manifested in an explosion. Bad news!

 

You saw right through that one....

 

Trapper, I know some of what you are going through. I know what a monster anger is and if left alone it will fester and infect a lot of who you 'the person' are. I know that there are things that cannot be righted. I know there are things that will never see justice prevail. I know there is a saying that in the end of a person's life, they will be judged, though it does not make it better in this life and we won't care about it in the next.

It is the human part that screams for righting the wrongs that hurt us. Though I guess in the end we all have to let go of it and vanquish the monster lest he eat our very humanity and make us into monsters ourselves.

It is right that holding to it is a choice. It is a choice also for someone to hurt others. And when they get away with it, it only confuses and harms the 'victim' all the more. It is not an easy thing to let go of because the most human thing after being hurt is to seek satisfaction.

Some go and kill those who hurt them. Others hold to that anger hoping that the ones who hurt them will be brought to justice for all to see. Still others believe in the end judgement. I guess when one of my stepdads abused me as a child, I could say, 'Hey, he toughened me up. Yay for the lesson pops. I forgive you if it was a little excessive.' I guess I could say that and I would be blocking the experience with a 'good' aspect of it.

I will not ever do that. I can take the lesson learned, 'Don't abuse your children.' and run with it. 'Yay pops, I wouldn't have known that without your misguided and overly agressive lessons. Gee, I really like you now that I understand it and am older and can easily stomp your redneck ass into the dust from which you came.'

Anyone else think of this quote? 'To err is human, to forgive divine.' Sounds like true words. Though we aren't angels. So 'To err is human, as long as you can put up with the butt kicking that may come from it'.

Okay, this is far more information and emotion than I ever want to show again. I will now say my peace. I do want to remember what it was like to be happy. I want to not know so much anger and pain. I hate to see all the things I have lost out on because of my closing myself in and keeping away from everybody. I hate having to act 'happy' and drudge through life on a daily basis with the semblance of a smile on my face. I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life with no friends. I get heart broken when I see that most of my relationships have suffered most likely due to the misery that lies within me which shows itself even though I try to be happy. I CAN blame others for my hurts, though I must and do understand that my anger is MY fault because I hold to it and give them power over me if that were possible.

I break down at movies where I see things that were in my life before they were stripped away. I dislike the fact that I have so much room in my soul for hurt and pain that there is none for love and happiness. I see that others have been hurt as I have and maybe more so, though it hurts me to see them suffering as I know they are and this also adds to me. It seems that I am weak without my anger though weaker still with it. I know that anger can lead to health problems and shorter lives. I know that anger can and sometimes does lead to irrational behaviors like murder and such, though the one thing I can say is that I steer myself away from that point.

I do know that there are those here that would love to see me step away from this feeling with a much lighter step. I do know that I do not let it define me as a person, though it is a part of who I am and I guess I am scared to sever the ties. I know there is good advice here from all of what to do. I do know that it is my choice whether to let go and not become that bitter old man. I do know that it is hard to do as quitting smoking is hard. I do know that one day I will be free of it or be slave to it for the rest of my life. I do think that maybe a shrink would be a good start, though I don't want the stigma that seeing a shrink brings as far as the papertrail that may be unacceptable in certain circles.

I do feel that I want to see justice done and rapidly at that. I do not see the wisdom of the forgive and forget philosophy. I do not see how anyone can actually do that. I do not see that if they are forgiven by God that justice will ever be done and every hurt or pain should be paid back likewise.

So I leave it with those thoughts. I have said all I am going to say on it. I hope all that have been hurt will see justice done. I hope that all who have been hurt will in time be able to forget the pain and move on with life. I thank everyone that has spoken advice on it or their point of view. I hope that someone somewhere will read and find something to take from this for their own benefit or the benefit of others.

Those are my words and thoughts on a topic that has run too long and has left me too open. I will deal with it as I should and back the skeletons go to the closet and no more speak of anger or hurt will be forthcoming, unless I happen to stub my toe.

That is all.

Tailor Made Hell

 

Lemonade stands ?

Cops closed them all down around here 20 years ago .

NO I am not kidding or lying , when I was in my early 20's my sister suggested to her daughter she set one up to earn money for something she wanted . One hour into it a local cop stopped and asked her if she had a permit to run a business in the township limits " I shit you not " when my sister and I saw that he wasn't buying a cup of lemonade we walked down to the street to see what was going on and my niece was in tears thinking she was going to jail "she was about 7 or 8 at the time" . When we got there and started asking what was going on she was crying and just blurted it all out which PO'd us immediately , then the cop starts with some crap about how he was just joking with the kid , thats one cop that came close to getting his ass kicked . Puke got in his car and drove off never bought any lemonade or apologized to the child .

We packed it up and took her to the store to buy her what she wanted , and called the chief of police to lodge a complaint , and were told the cop was just doing his job !

Mind you it's ok for the scum in the city to sell drugs but a lemonade stand will get you harassed by the cops .