When I was out and about on one of my most recent sojourns, I came across an repository for debris, what some would call a dump. Being a bit of an investigator, I was pawing my way around in search of some useful item that had been disposed of by a throw-away culture. I got quite excited when I come to something resembling tablets that I was able to expose. They had the appearance of bakelite and had some writing on them. I had to work for quite some time to pull them from their dense bed of trash but when I could finally read the text, I was amazed at my find. It appears as though I have discovered the first draft of the Biblical Ten Commandments. I could only assume they had been deposited here by some glacial movement thousands of years ago. I took a moment to document this archaeological discovery. What I discovered were 'THE TEN SUGGESTIONS" Suggestion 1 Its probably not a good idea to kill unless.....in defense of your life, or in defense of the life of another, or maybe when dealing with a totally evil dude who will most certainly commit a violent act upon you or yours or another innocent. Suggestion 2 There's no reason to steal when you can work, buy or barter with another who works, buys or barters. Disregarding this suggestion and actually stealing can result in action by someone who chooses to disregard suggestion 1. Suggestion 3 Lying is situational but should be used judiciously. Suggestion 4 This adultery thing is greatly over rated unless it comes to the attention of those who don't pay proper attention to suggestion 1. Suggestion 5 Its noble to honor your mother and father but you have to understand that you will eventually become either their alpha replacement or dinner for some other hungry organism Suggestion 6 Due to the ever increasing number of named deities in our universe, its pretty hard to avoid offending someone at sometime or another so don't bother worrying too much about this one. I have it on good authority that the use of lightning bolts and eternal damnation are less frequently employed than we have been led to believe. Suggestion 7 Idols are strictly for entertainment. If you prefer to watch Jeopardy or MASH reruns, go right ahead. Suggestion 8 About this graven image thing, I personally am offended by those of you who have a moose head mounted over your fireplace and this goes beyond my impression of your poor taste in decorating. Poor taste should not be legislated but don't be surprised if I suggest that you be sodomized by a porcupine. Suggestion 9 Coveting is a waste of time. You may be the alpha male and it may be well within your ability to rouse another animal from their preferred shelter but you may not be able to do this without some risk of personal injury. Its my opinion that if bellows and snorts do not cause the premises to be immediately evacuated, other suggestions may also be disregarded. Suggestion 10 Now about this Sabbath thing. Seven days is just plain odd. I recommend the schedule I follow: One day of rut, one day of rest, one day of rut, one day of rest. Nuff said.
Sorry Mr Moose but I have a problem with one of your Ten Suggestions. Suggestion #10 to be exact. It seems to suggest you must be a Married Moose, or else so well endowed that the Females come to you. What about us males that are single or less endowed that the females do not come to us to rut?
Maybe the alpha-male thing, Stan. Try upping your intake of testosterone and get rid of the snarling coyote picture, it doesn't suit a male that whines about the lack of female companionship. Maybe use a puppy; puppies are cute and females often respond to cute, it brings out the mother in them. The biggest mistake is in assuming that the females come to you; come on, guy...you got to go find them and scare off the other males to establish your place in the pecking order. Learn to snort and bellow properly, paw the ground with your hooves and tear trees to shreds with your antlers and if you are not equipped with these particular "Chick Magnets", I have it on good faith from others of your questionable species, that a big roll of currency bulging from your pocket carries at least as much influence as any other type package.
Sorry Stan, but you need a bulge in your trousers beyond what one of those plastic cards makes...Females notice these things.
Here's a little something for those of you that like a bit of Spiritual music on a Sunday morning to set the mood
