Creative Thinking...(or: Why I want to be an illegal alien)

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes 309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted
the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine
the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to
you. My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the
Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's
provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen
is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five
years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who
have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm
excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five
years taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that
I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an
excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in
2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000.
After the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000. In
addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien
such as free healthcare, avoidance of paying Social Security t axes,
buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary
forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

 

Ain't THAT the damn truth !