Did Combat Change You?

I am working on a new song from the perspective of a door-gunner being afraid to come home, since the war had changed him into something he didn't understand but he relied on his faith and prayer. I don't know if the lyrics capture the feeling I'm reaching for? There's a recording of the first draft on my Reverbnation site but the lyrics and somewhat, the over-all feeling of the song has changed. Here is the present draft of the lyrics, please tell me if this is a REMF thing or if it's something that strikes a note. I'll be respectful.
Not About Me

Darrell Wallace copywrite 2018


I’ve been away for far too long, don’t think that I can go back home now,

I’ve forgotten how it feels

To have dinner with my family, sit on the porch, just you and me

Counting fireflies for a while.

But I’ve been to this foreign land and God, I don’t think you can understand,

It’s not about me, it’s not about me.

I’ve never held my baby boy, he was born while I was deployed

Just a picture in a letter I received

How can I hold my son with these hands that fire this Gatlin-gun

Raining hellfire and death on strangers from above.

And if I ever leave this land, God, I hope that you can understand...

It’s not about me, It’s not about me.

You thank me for my service and there’s just one thing I don’t understand,

what is it you’re thanking me for?

It’s not about your Liberty, nothing to do with you being Free,

It’s Just another fucked-up war…

And God, I hope you understand, I don’t want to be this kind of man,

It’s not about me, it’s not about me.

God, You know I’ve paid my dues, I didn’t know how much

I had to lose

It’s not about me, God, It’s not about me

I’m afraid to go back home, God, I can’t do this alone…

It’s not about me, It’s Not about me.

 

Nice!

Each of us have our own row to hoe, some made choices, others had choices made for us, and for some like me, it wasn't the job I wanted, but it was the job I needed! I didn't choose it, it chose me ( if that makes any sense?) My job was about as heart wrenching as it gets, literally life and death in the most intimate of ways possible, and that leaves scars, some that will never heal, and it also makes ghosts that will forever walk with me in this life! I wouldn't change a single thing, and have no regrets!

 

What I'm trying to reach is a fear of returning to the world and knowing you might be the only thing that changed, if that makes sense? I didn't mind being a soldier, that's a what I wanted to do. Soldiers have been an honored profession since people discovered greed and necessity. I'm trying to reach a feeling of how normal combat becomes and the reverence for humanity weighs against what you knew in the world before? Does that make sense? it never seemed it was about me nearly as much as what I could give back to people that cried when they had to put down a loved dog, god bless them.

 

YES !
S

 

OTOH, I was changed but didn't know it.
Try living in a world where you look normal, no missing limbs but a body that would slowly turn against you in front of your eyes. Health officials that continued/wanted to see you as a drug user when the only chemical you touched was Agent Orange sprayed by your own county.
My saving grace is that I knew what I was and that the Health Care system had no idea what we had experienced. Right now my feet turn to feeling hot, then cold and later on tonight as I sleep I will awaken with severe pains in my feet. I get up to take aspirin or if really bad Gabepenten, as I walk to the bathroom my feet hurt so much it feels as if I am walking on cobble stones and they force themselves between my bones.
Then there are the nights when I awaken smelling diesel smoke in my secure home. If only I could remember those dreams so I could attack them in a conscious state!

Those awakings are preceded by cold sweats.

Ditto;
"I wouldn't change a single thing, and have no regrets!"

 

The hardest part for me was the way people saw me, especially family. My two young boys looked at me with fear in their eyes, knowing who and what I was, yet not really understanding any of it. I was both the scariest most dangerous person they knew, as well as the safest person around! It took a long time for them to understand what daddy did, the kind of person daddy was, and then they were ok with it all! That was hard on all of us, I would come home and the boys would be excited, and yet scared. I don't think I ever gave them reason to fear me, but some how in their tiny little minds, they knew enough to know I was not like normal dads, and that broke my heart, and it took a very long time for them to get past it and accept me for who and what I am! Mil life is very hard on families, especially young children who often do not understand things, and trying to explain it can make it worse, often times, it's better to let them think things on their own rather then telling them the truth!

 

Hard !

 

I remember the sacrifices, but what changed me was understanding that we were expendable, just another round in the chamber.
Funny though, I came to like it. I looked forward to the missions, the stress, the adrenalin.
On the down days we decompressed as best we knew, then it was right back at it.
Initially I was elated at the thought of going home, then when I got there, being home felt empty somehow.

No Regrets!
We were warriors.
In many ways, still are...

 

I'm forever thankful for your service to our country

 

yep

 

When I came back , it was right before Memorial Day . For a while anywhere I went, when I stood to leave, without looking, I would reach to grab my rifle, it was always an arms length to my right. Then a brief, instance of shock when I couldn't feel it there ,, then I noticed I was right on the verge of breaking out in a cold sweat , until I realized where I was .
I met a girl with some friends one day on leave. There was a fireworks show at a local park one night. We went , sat up on a hill , looking down on the little lake , and a little peninsula where they were shooting the fireworks from . I didn't like being around so many people,, constantly scanning the crowd and the woodline . Possible targets were everywhere, and I was without my rifle.
. We seemed to get along ok ,, but after that night ,, we never saw each other again. A friend said I scared her ,, but don't know how .
Did combat change me ?? Yes . Not a day goes by I'm not reminded of the good times we had ,, or the bad .
I love fireworks shows ,, in an odd way ,, it takes me back , to a time I actually miss.
You have a lot of feelings in there. I'd like to hear it when you add the tunes .

 

Hats off until the day I die to the ones that served and served with honor.
I myself was showed the door at the local recruiter's office, When warriors are being released by the thousands the military will not hire you.

 

Strange to see this here today as I just had my first incident in a long, long while... It was at 0500 this morning and we took a power hit, not sure what caused it but I swear it sounded just like a rocket attack and I popped straight up, wide awake, screaming "Get out!" or "Get down!" or something like that, the wife wasn't sure...LOL!

The funniest one was when I first got back and walked into a Home Depot. All of a sudden, all my situation awareness hit the ceiling, I was on full alert, tense, nerves singing, ears ringing I was trying to hear so hard...I actually almost turned and ran out of the store! What kicked it off was all the bearded young guys. LOL! I had a good belly laugh to myself...then the folks around really thought I was a true nutcase! LOL!!!

I never fired a shot in combat because I was a civilian over there but been shot at, spat at and shat at throughout my career. I no longer tell people how many war zones or hazards areas I've work because I'm either classified as a liar or a braggart. But, I do find it strange, even funny, that I did 8 years in military - safely - yet it wasn't until I turned contractor I went to these areas, basically making a career out of it for over 30 years...Hell, what can I say, that's where the money was! LOL!

Did it changed me? Yes, in many ways. I truly doubt I will ever fully connect with the civilian world/people ever again. Why, I am not sure but I think it has to do with trust.
I think that's why I take it so personal about all these insane politics Biden's Left-Fascists are doing... I try to keep it to myself but...no-joy. Do I regret my decisions that have lead me feeling disconnected or different. No, not one bit.

 

I was of the generation whose dad fought in WW II and I grew up knowing it was an honorable cause and believed in my country to do the right thing. At 18 got my draft notice and in full support of the war (Vietnam) I was not in combat but loaded munitions on F-4 fighter. I came away from that having a total distrust of the government having seen what the hell was going on. It was ridiculous the number of truces called where the fighters stood down giving the NVA time to regroup and resupply imagine if WW II was fought like that. We worked 12 hours 6 days a week in the monsoons in the blazing sun only to have to put up with a bunch of chicken shit crap from lifers who thought they were at some state side base. Pilots said there were rules on what they could bomb and not bomb. How the hell do you win a war like that well you don't The Washington POS tied the military hands and from then on I knew we were just pawns. My distrust of the government and authority in general began then and has only increased over the years. My wife thinks I'm paranoid maybe so.

 

Yes so many more ways to ..........
But the loses hurt more

 

Had to comment on this @SB21 ... I tend to remember more of the good times than bad. It seems I try to forget the bad times but they do creep into my thoughts at times, luckily less than the good. And, yes, every time I see fireworks, I too remember clearly sitting on the Hesco barriers surrounding my Satcom van watching all the fireworks as they probed our defensives. Strange I always remember that one specific time...Why? No idea...maybe I was afraid but I don't recall being so...it was very early in the war and I had just got into Afghanistan, maybe that's why...

There is something wonderful about being in dangerous places, making life that much better, sweeter. I cannot tell you how much I missed it upon my return, it was like nothing had any value here, and didn't think I would be able to accept it here - I mean - what do I have in common with people here, didn't want to stay but knew things were ending and I finally was at a point that age was a factor. I managed to make it for 2 years, and after which, since I had not used my clearance, my clearance was terminated...and that was that. No way could I return even if I wanted to do so because war was scaling down and those with valid clearances in abundance. So, here is the end of the road and that's okay, North Idaho is a good place for me.

Sometimes I get a bit too much to drink and tell a war story or so but... normally, the folks don't know what to say so they don't say anything and that's when I know, I should just shut up and say nothing. And, that's what I do. Yeah, I miss it too, even now, today, and always will. I think WHY I miss it so much is because everything you do there has true value. You manage to get your hands on a good book, you get to see a film or get your favorite chow, a buddy gets a bottle of booze, everything has meaning, is special, because all the little things are not taken for granted like they are here. Okay...I'll shut up now...

 

I can totally relate .

 

Yeah, We sent many a mouthwash bottle to the nephew in Iraq, Strange mouthwash, All of them smelled the Crown Royal ?
Glad he and the boys were taking good care of the teeth !