Clyde's Useless Observations of the Day

Date: 3/16/07

Observation:

Children under 6 can develop a severe "stank" if they insist on wiping themselves.

Commentary:

Independece is a wonderful gift, however, when it comes to personal hygene it is imperative that an adult take a second swipe when dealing with small children. Its kind of like giving the kid a report card but with toilet paper. Clean paper = A, smudgey = C, Full Fledged Duty = F. Kind of like missing the mark. Unless an adult takes this corrective action, there is a high probablity that bath time may result in the release of klingons into the water that makes a 2 children bath turn into a "mass exodus" on the nature seen only in Jaws when people were fleeing the water to the safety of the beach.

 

Appears to be a picture of the "Sphincter Sanitizer 2000". Other than the appearance, it looks like a decent upgrade and will certainly combat the "not-so-fresh" feeling.

 

Cool!! (Especialy in the winter --)

 

Another Grandma story coming but it's relevant at least and cute (but I'm biased..

My three grandchildren were here for the weekend a few yrs ago - ages 5, 7 and 10 at the time.

The youngest was in the bathroom for a long time, door closed, so I yell "Miss Hayley, what are you doing?" The response that came from behind the closed door was delived in a most serious tone of voice.......

"I'm watching my poop float"

Only a five year old can find an interesting activity at any given moment in their young lives.

 

Even 5 year olds like to look at their trophies!

 

3/17/07

Observation: St. Patrick's Day has been hijacked by beer guzzling idiots.

Commentary: Why are a bunch of idoits getting trashed today? All because of some guy named Patrick from the Roman rule of Briton. Sure, he was kidnapped and made a slave by one of the Kings and sold to be a shepherd. Alone in the mountains, his only companion were his sheep and God. One night, he had a vision and was told to walk 200 miles to where a boat was waiting. Sure enough, it was there. Patrick searched for his purpose thereafter and had another vision: Deliver the Gospel message to Ireland. And so, today, nothing seem more reasonable than to honor a great "Saint" who is billed as the missionary who converted Ireland to Christianity with a couple gallons of beer in the stomach, kegs and eggs for breakfast, and a good old prayer hoping one will make it home safely from the bar and not kill anyone on the way whilst they "drunk drive". God knows I will need it.

Well, off to the bar for a day of celebrating the salvation of Ireland! BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP

 

Yes. It is probably the easiest method of grading because it is not subjective. Even a monkey can figure that one out!

 

3/19/07

Observation: RainX Washer Fluid Works at Slow Speeds, too.

Commentary: Winter is now officially old. Whilst driving to work for slightly over 2 hours in a 32 degree snow storm, the snow/sleet melted as soon as it hit the windshield. Since I was only going 10 miles per hour due to the number do dip-doo-doos who can't drive, I noticed the water running down rather than up like it does at high speeds.

 

Clyde, don't tell me you've run out of useless observations. We've been waiting a long time for an update.

 

YEaH!

More observations please.

 

Observation: 5 year old boys are a real trip.

Commentary: This beautiful weekend meant all the kids in the neighborhood were playing outside -- sprinklers running, water guns, and hoses to spray each other. My son and his friend were partaking in all this under minimal parental observation. About 1 hour into the play afternoon, a neighbor girl who was playing my daughter came up to me, "Excuse me, Mr. Smith, the boys are peeing in the bucket on the front lawn. Do you allow that?" Time for Dad to check out.

Apparently, they boys were making a potion with a 5 gallon bucket, a running water hose, red food coloring (from a water gun), sand, matchbox cars, and pee. It wouldn't have been so bad if they were mixing the potion with a stick, but their arms were up to their shoulders mixing away. They were serious and not laughing about what they had done.

I asked if they had peed in the bucket to which they both responded honestly as if nothing was out of the ordinary.."Yes. We were making a potion." Can you really get mad at them for being honest? I corrected them on the pee thing and was informed by my son that he pees under the deck when no one is around so he doesn't have to go all the way inside. He then asks if I peed outside. Of course!

Conclusion: 5 year olds are fun and make me laugh all the time.

 

ROFLMAO Clyde. Thanks for the shot in the arm in the midst of a bad day.

 

Observation: Mice run in straight lines

Comments: Have you ever noticed when mice run, they don't zig zig, but head straight and fast in a single direction? I saw a mouse do this the other day and it forced me to think back and for the life of me I can't remember a mouse that didn't make the bee line for it.

Conclusion: Mice would make good olympic 100 meter sprinters or 22 targets.

 

October 22, 2007

Observation: Crossing the streams can be dangerous

Commentary: As a father of a 5 year old son, I never imagined the day would come along when "crossing the streams" while we both peed into the potty would be so much fun for a little kid. Recently, after a few successful paper boat sinking, toilet bowl special urination operation, there was a "friendly fire" incident that severely impacted my pant leg. Sadly to say, the 5 year old "Operator" found it so funny that couldn't keep his fully automated and Suppressed PeeMOD 16 aimed properly. He began laughing so hard the proceeded to strafe the wall, floor, toilet, lid, and seat in addition to my pants. In the operator world, we have dubbed this the: Untidybowl Incident.

Conclusion: Moms would get pretty pissed off when fathers act the age of their five year old children! Cover-ups aren't just for the government either. (Pee does stain paint in the proper quantities)